Grief

This past month has been an incredibly painful month for us as a family, for Bobby in particular. Bobby's younger brother, Randy, was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2009, right around when we started dating. Ever since, Randy has had numerous struggles with his health, mainly due to his cancer treatments. Mid September, we got the call that we have been dreading...Bobby was asked to make a trip back to America because Randy wasn't expected to live much longer.

Bobby did make that trip and was able to say his final goodbye, along with his Mom and older brother. Randy held on and fought hard, and he ended up living almost exactly a month after we received that phone call. He passed away on October 14th.

It's been a whole new journey for me, walking through the grief of losing a loved one. I am blessed to say this is the first loss of an immediate family member. My Great Grandma died when I was about 10 and I was old enough to remember, and then my Great Grandpa died a few years later, but it was different because I was so young...and we lived several provinces away when both of them passed away. 

It saddens me that I never really got to know the "healthy Randy", but I so wish I did. To be honest I can't say that I was close with him, mostly because we never got to spend much time together, but because he was Bobby's brother, I'm affected in an unavoidable way. Just as we said in our vows, Bobby's sorrows are my sorrows, and when he hurts, I hurt. Watching him lose his brother and see him hurt in a way he's never hurt before is one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I feel so helpless and just wish I could make his hurt go away. And being so far from his Mom who is so very deeply affected by Randy's death is extra hard as well. I long to be there to comfort her, and I long for Bobby to be able to grieve physically alongside his family.

All that to say that although Randy was not my brother by blood, I am still hurting and grieving too and this has been a hard month.

I want to write this blog with the advisory that I am by no means "an expert" in this, and my thoughts and suggestions are probably personal...everyone grieves differently, and I'm only speaking from my experience so far, which is fresh. I've come up with some of the ways that you can help me through this time, and maybe use it to be an encouragement to someone you know that's walking through grief as well.

I also want to say that I don't write this to make anyone feel guilty about what they have or haven't done for me or us as a family. We have been surrounded by love and support, and these things are just certain things that stand out in particular to me and have spoken to or would speak deeply to my heart. I write so that I remember, and can use my experience to help someone else.

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-Please remember that although this wasn't my brother, or even my side of the family, I still hurt too. My husband isn't the only one who could use a hug or an encouraging Scripture.

-When you say you'll pray for me, really pray for me...either right there with me, or type or write it out...it's powerful!

-Admit you don't know what to say, rather than try to come up with "the right words"--because sometimes sympathy cliches just make me hurt even more...especially since to my knowledge, my loved one wasn't a believer. Things like "his suffering is over" and "he's in a better place" make the pain hurt more.

-Let me cry without holding back...better yet, cry with me. It acknowledges my pain and shows genuine empathy. Ideally doing this in a setting where there's freedom to cry is best...for example, it's really hard to "flip a switch" and put on a happy face when someone conveys their sympathy right before a church service begins or you're in a public setting and I can't fully let out the tears that are welling up in my eyes.

-Try to think of practical things you can do to help because it's hard to think clearly about what I/we really need, let alone just ask for help...food is always helpful, but try to keep in mind that we might not feel like eating...a meal that can be frozen or eaten later is extra helpful.

-Sometimes it might be better not to say anything, rather than try and relate to me by telling me of someone else's loss. Unless you truly have walked the same path, (for example you lost a sibling at a young age too, or lost a dear friend to the same illness rather than talking about your friend's cousin's daughter's uncle who had the same type of cancer) it just doesn't feel as painful as my own pain and loss.

-Please offer to watch my kids for an hour or two as soon as possible...kids can be a good distraction through grief, but I also need time alone or as a couple to cry and talk things through, not having to put my "brave face" on for the kids.

-Just be with me. Remind me that you're here for me and you know my family and I are hurting...and don't put a timeline of when I should be "back to normal" because these feelings will always be a part of my life now.

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I just finished a really helpful book called "Please be Patient With Me, I'm Grieving". It's a fairly short read but it's really helpful. I think if you're anything like me and you've never really had to deal with loss before, it's really eye opening and practical to the emotions of a grieving heart. 

One of my biggest takeaways from it so far is the reminder that grief never really goes away, and it's a lot like a roller coaster. People describe it as being hit by a bus over and over again. Just when you feel like you're on the road to recovery, something reminds you of the person you lost and you find yourself back on the laying road again, feeling like the bus just drove over you again, re-opening wounds you thought had healed. 

The griever's life will never be the same again. It's important to acknowledge that, and be there for them...all along the way. When everyone else seems to have moved on, the griever likely hasn't and needs your help to try and establish a new normal, without the person they lost. Their grief doesn't go away. Be there with them, and really try to remember dates of significance when they will most definitely be experiencing the pain all over again, such as the loved one's birthday, holidays, or the anniversary of their death. The simple act of remembering and acknowledging will mean so much to them.

Hopefully this mix of a summary of that book and my personal experience will help someone reading this understand more about grief and loss. If nothing else, as usual, the act of writing this out has helped me with my own feelings and emotions and I'm glad I took the time to write this.

As I mentioned, this is my first experience with close loss and looking back, I can see how I have said or done something that might be considered insensitive and wish I had of read something like this, and known how important it is to continue conveying sympathy beyond what people usually would.

I know it's awkward to walk through grief with someone and feel like you don't really know what you're doing because I've been there...but please try. You never know what kind of an impact something that you think is insignificant might mean to someone who is hurting.

How fast time flies!!

Well, Noah is already 4 1/2 months old...and I haven't blogged about anything beyond his birth! And I never did do a Joshua update like I had hoped! (But that is a goal of this post!)

We're all doing pretty good these days...finally in a pretty good groove, but as I say that, there are still days like the other day where I swear the boys conspire together to take turns being clingy and extra needy and take terrible naps! That morning Noah was in rough shape, not eating well, not sleeping well, and just generally not happy with the world, but we made it to my glorious joint nap time (where both boys are sleeping at the same time!). Then Joshua woke up crying about an hour earlier than he usually wakes up (normally happily!) and was just out of sorts and nothing would make him happy...he couldn't communicate what he wanted and I think he really didn't know what he wanted so he was really frustrated! Anyway, I ended up having to stop feeding Noah and have Joshua sit in my lap, read a few books, then cooked dinner with him in the carrier on my back! It was really weird because he never wants to be in the carrier and he usually never wants to snuggle more than 30 seconds but for some reason, he was extra clingy! But, thanks to Bobby's extra help, we made it through till bed time!!

Days like that make me really thankful for the "normal" days! And it could have been worse...I could have been alone with TWO clingy boys! Recently God has been doing a lot of work in my heart, helping me to genuinely enjoy being a mom, and truly serve my family. There's still a LOT of work to be done, but I really feel a difference in my heart and I've been a lot more thankful and grateful. I don't really know why, but I just feel extra blessed...extra aware of how "good" I have it, with two "normal", healthy boys, who are great sleepers. There's so many moms out there with children who have special needs, have no help, and have terrible sleepers...and keeping that in mind has really helped me be more grateful.

Anyway, on to the updating...

Noah is sleeping through the night and has been for about a month now (though last week we had a bit of a regression for an unknown reason!)...it's amazing what a difference that makes! He eats pretty well (pretty easily distracted though and hates nursing with a cover!) about every 3-3 1/2 hours. I think he's average weight. I don't have his stats at the moment, but I think he's pretty close to the same as Joshua was as far as weight and height which would put him in the average category I believe. I always wanted chunky babies, but I guess that's not in the cards for me! ;) He does have some pretty good arm rolls though. :) He naps 3 times a day for about 1 1/2-2 hours (sometimes more, sometimes less) with the occasional cat nap between dinner and bedtime. He rarely manages to stay awake longer than 2 hours max!

He's what I would consider an easy-going baby, and deals well with the chaos of life with a two year old big brother pretty well! When he's upset, it's almost always because his diaper is dirty or he's tired...and he doesn't hold back letting you know he's upset! He loves watching Joshua and Daddy play and I think he's looking forward to being able to get in on the action! The last week or so, if he can stay awake long enough, he's been joining in on Joshua's pre-bedtime snuggles with Daddy and Joshua sits there and holds his hand...it's the cutest thing ever and makes my heart just melt! 

He loves putting anything and everything he can get his hands on into his mouth and actually gets frustrated when he can't get something in his mouth...like his O-ball! I thought he might be teething, but still no evidence yet. He seems to be our little extrovert...he absolutely loves when you get close to his face and just talk to him...he talks right back to you and gives you the biggest smiles! Super interactive!

We have suspicions that he is going to crawl a lot earlier than Joshua did...he is constantly moving and never in the same place we leave him in when we put him on the floor or in his bed! He's already poised to start scooting soon as he looooves tummy time and sleeps on his tummy too. I think I'm going to have my hands full soon! (J didn't 'officially crawl' until he was almost a year old, though he had his ways of getting around! He hated being on his belly, but he did sleep on his tummy too)

Joshua is in love with the movie Cars these days, and he rarely goes a day without watching either the first Cars or the second one. (These days he likes the second one better than the first) We've gotten him several different matchbox cars of the characters and he adores them! They have changed my world too in that he actually plays by himself now! He will often play with them in the kitchen while I'm doing the dishes or cooking and almost always has a least one in his hand throughout the day. I love seeing how excited he gets anytime he sees something with Lightening McQueen on it! He has the eyes of a hawk when it comes to spying McQueen! They have Cars things here, but I suspect not as much as North America so I can only imagine how fun taking him shopping with us will be when we're there! ;) and as every parent knows, it sure will be hard to resist giving in to him and buying him all the Cars memorabilia because it is so fun making him so happy! ;) Yesterday when I got him up he remembered that I told him he could wear his McQueen shirt the night before and the first words out of his mouth were "QUEEN DAY!!!" (Translated to "I get to wear my McQueen shirt today!") He calls McQueen "Queema" or "queen" and Francesco is "Sir CoCo"!

He is a pretty...well, how shall we put it...selective? eater. He loves Macaroni and cheese and french fries. And breakfast every morning is Peanut Butter toast! Anything else is a pretty big struggle...but sometimes he can be convinced to eat something if he gets to eat it with crackers ;) it's been hard for me, but I'm realizing more and more how normal this is...and just keep doing my best to offer him a variety.

He's starting to talk more (aka repeat EVERYTHING!) which has been fun. It is so amazing to watch him learn and understand more and more things...kids are fascinating! One of my favorite things he says is "I love you" which comes out more like "I youuu"! :) 

We've had a pretty quiet summer so far...hotter than usual and super thankful for air conditioning in this lovely humidity! (And in spite of running the a/c without holding back, our electric bill was shockingly low, encouraging us to throw away any guilt for running them so much because it's just not worth it to "suffer" in the heat. I don't know about you, but I am absolutely useless when I'm hot...tired, grumpy and miserable to name a few attributes that come to mind!

I've dipped my toes back into language study...pray for me!! I still have some requirements (mostly related to religious language) to complete in order to move out of my "full time language student" status, and our goal is to come as close to finishing as possible before we go on furlough in November, so I've got my work cut out for me. 

I think that's all I can think of as for updates. I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but since I've been writing this blog post for about 2 weeks now, I think it's better to just publish it now!

For fun, here are Noah's monthly pictures...

And for even more fun, here's a comparison picture of J and N at 4 months :)

A more uplifting post...

I have good news.... I'm feeling a little better these days! Yes, I still have the occasional overwhelmed meltdown here and there, but God has really been teaching me and pressing on my heart to keep looking to Him for help and strength and to enjoy these two precious gifts He's given me even in the hard times. Over and over in the last few days in multiple places (books, blogs, veteran parent friends, etc), I'm being reminded that these days with my babies aren't going to last forever and I need to soak them up. Yes, these days are hard, but in the blink of an eye, my boys are going to be all grown up and these newborn/two year old days are going to be just memories.

I have to share this video about soaking up your little ones while they're still little... I know it's everywhere and you've probably already seen it, but I have to share it anyway just in case you haven't seen it. Warning...if you're a mom, it will probably make you cry, no matter how old your kids are!

http://youtu.be/clcNB_EUao8

I also recently came across a blog about the first 3 months of motherhood that I thought was super well written. She really expressed a lot of what I've been feeling and I think it should get passed around. It was really validating for me and my crazy post partum emotions and it came to me at such perfect timing. I can no longer say that no one ever talks about these things! 

You can find it here

Thanks for the encouraging words that some of you took the time to write...it meant a lot. I know it was a 'in the heat of the moment' post, but I am glad I wrote it and I am thankful to have this 'outlet', knowing that it helps me reach out to my virtual support network! ;)

Now, off to enjoy my boys!

Raw, honest moment...

Can I be a real for a minute? Can I make a confession? I don't love the newborn days.

Sure, I love the squishy snuggles and the sweet smiles and little chuckles as they dream, but there's a whole lot that goes on behind the scenes of newborn days that I feel like no one ever really talks about...but I'm going to. Because I need to get it off my chest tonight as I'm fighting back tears while my gracious husband tries to calm our 'screaming-his-head-off' little bundle of joy.

I know this is my second time around, but I'm just as overwhelmed as I was the first time around by the number of judgement calls and decisions you have to make regarding when to feed and even how to feed, how to calm, when, where and how to put to sleep, how to establish a routine, how to teach good sleeping patterns and teach the difference between night and day...what to do when your baby is inconsolable and you've tried everything you can possible think of to try to get your baby to stop crying. Newborns seriously cause me to doubt my abilities of being a mom, especially when I can't tell the difference between their cries like all the books tell me I will be able to, or when the sound of my own babies' cry causes me to want to flee the scene for as long as possible...

I've never quite felt as helpless as I do in these moments and I hate it! He's crying out in pain from tummy issues and I've tried every trick in the book to help him out, but nothing's working. I don't like having to wonder if I'm the cause of his tummy issues, because of something I ate. He isn't like this all the time, but this is the second night in a row like this. I wish some days we could fast forward a few months to the smiley, interactive baby stage.

I feel like a bad mom for all those confessions. Am I the only one who feels this way?! (Don't get me wrong though...I love my babies with a fierce love words can't even describe!)

Can I also say that being a parent is hard. There's no denying that! I feel like reading all the parenting books and blogs out there and all the babysitting/auntie experience you can get just doesn't prepare you for having your own kids. 

Today was another 'one of those days' in our house. Plenty of ups and downs...more than I care for. Started off with a baby that woke up at 5am and would not go back to sleep. Not fun. Played a repetitive little hide and seek game with a Lightening McQueen magnet book with my sweet almost 2 year old little buddy and loved hearing his priceless giggles and his "again?!" every time we went through our little routine. (Meanwhile little guy is sleeping soundly in his swing next to us) Super sweet. Got some major over-due organizing and put things away while a thoughtful co-worker came over and played with J while little guy continued to sleep. Yes!! Watched Cars with my little buddy while I fed little guy and stored away his sweet little expressive face in my never-want-to-forget-this memory box. Happy heart. Little guys' schedule is kinda off so my vision of sneaking in a nap for myself fades...and after two days in a row of having both boys sleeping in their own beds at the same time for 2+ hours, my streak is over. J literally screamed his way through nap time and refused to sleep today...and little guy also took longer to go to sleep than usual and required being held most of the afternoon. Nap battle followed up with dinner battle.

I should clarify that dinner in itself was on of those up and downs...made some real progress with getting J to feed himself...at last!! Then he decided to start flinging his spoon around and gets dinner all over the floor. And required a bargain with number of bites to get his yoghurt and cookie 'reward'. Grrrrr. And all this occurring while little guy decides he doesn't want to be put down so that we can eat...

Sigh...thank heavens it's not bath night!

Ah, bed time at last...not so bad with J. Merely escaped a meltdown and managed to turn out the light with no tears. Yes! Time for little guy to eat...again. Successful feeding, sleepy baby returned to bed for the evening and we finally get to crawl into bed. Or so I thought. While I went downstairs to console myself with a little chocolate and decaf iced coffee, little guy decides to wake himself up and spit up in his bed and decide he's not going back to sleep...and that's where we are now, almost 2 hours later. I was starting to lose it so Bobby took over and I am still hearing the occasional scream downstairs...

And, as I was typing, over the monitor, I heard whimpers from J so I went into his room and asked him what was wrong...but got no response and found out that he was sound asleep and must have been dreaming! Glad to have dodged that bullet, but seriously, when it rains it pours right?! And, just for humor's sake...there's a mosquito in our room that has bit me 3 times now...but I just got rid of him!

Anyway, whether that seems like a rough day to you or not, my point is, parenting is hard...and exhausting. And I'm tired! I know everyone says the days are long but the years are short and all the 'time flies' proverbs from veteran moms are true...but can I just say today was hard. And I can't wait for it to be over...but it won't really be anytime soon because I've got a newborn to feed every 3-4 hours tonight that may or may not go back to sleep in between feedings. And tonight I'm 'flying solo' because Bobby has a 7am prayer meeting tomorrow and needs to sleep...and speaking of that, I need to go relive him so he can go to bed.

I know some day before I know it I'll be looking back at these days and just smiling at the exhausted desperation seeping from this post, and I'll be an empty nester wondering where the years went, but it sure is hard to be thankful for days like today. 

But I think deep inside I am. I know I prayed for these two precious gifts for a long time and wanted nothing more than to have the experience of being a mother...and God gave me the desire of my heart and blessed me with two fantastic little boys. I can't wait to see how He will use them for His glory in this world. I know He's already using them to refine me and conform me into His image...through days like today! I'm thankful He is with me every step of the way, and I know He hears my desperate cries tonight. I have much to be grateful for.

Not sure what my purpose in writing this post really was (hopefully I don't regret it!)...maybe it'll be encouraging for someone else to hear that I don't love the newborn days like everyone else seems to, or maybe it will end up discouraging someone from having kids!!?? (I hope not!) But, it feels good to get that all out, and process the day I had today. Reminding me to cherish the good days, even the normal everyday days...if those ever happen again! ;) 

Thanks for sticking with me.

Noah's arrival

Noah Benjamin Baden came into the world on April 5th, weighing in at 7lbs 4oz. 😊 Although I've had most of this all written out since just a few days after he was born, for some reason it's taken me a month to get his birth story posted! (And, I never did get that Joshua update written!)

We got all checked in on Monday he 4th, and had a pretty quiet day...Had a non stress test to make sure everything was looking ok and had surgery prep. We had a talk with the anesthesiologist, going over how things would happen the next day and we got a little surprise...at my last checkup, we had confirmed that I would be getting an epidural and would be awake for the surgery, just like when Joshua was born. But, when the anesthesiologist came in, he started talking about giving me a general anesthesia...meaning I'd be asleep during the surgery. Obviously we were a little surprised by this, because I really had my heart set in being awake to be able to see Noah right after he was born, knowing that I wouldn't be able to for the next 24 hours. The anesthesiologist was the same man who put me asleep when I had my gallbladder taken out so his reasoning was that a general anesthesia was safer than an epidural because among other reasons, he knew that I didn't have any reactions or anything last time.

But, that news was really hard for me to hear and in spite of my best efforts to hide my feelings from him, halfway through our conversation, he told me that because he could see it was really important for me to meet my baby, he agreed to try an epidural first (3 attempts) and if that didn't work, he'd do a general anesthesia instead. I was thrilled to hear that and really appreciated his accommodation!

Tuesday morning was quiet...got an IV and then we just waited for 1:00 to roll around!

Tuesday pm- wheeled into OR at exactly 1:00. The anesthesiologist  attempted an epidural for about 40 minutes but had no success. The nurses were very helpful and sympathetic, but everyone kept saying I would be able to see the baby tomorrow which made it harder not to cry. I was awake until right before surgery started as they didn't want to make the baby sleepy, but I started to wonder if I was going to be awake when surgery started...I was relieved when anesthesia kicked in so fast ;)

I felt real peace while I was in the OR and wasn't really nervous...I was praying it would work to get the epidural, but at the same time I felt kind of like maybe God was using this as an opportunity for me to grow...and let go of my desires and give this over to Him and allow it to be a testimony for Him. I really didn't want to make the anesthesiologist feel bad because I know he was doing his best and was looking out for me, but I am not sure I communicated that very well with the tears that came after he told me it wouldn't work. I wish I could have told him I was really ok, and to please ignore my tears! He was so kind and gentle and spoke enough English to help me feel at peace and again I really appreciated his efforts to accommodate my wishes.

The anesthesiologist is actually an acquaintance of ours (his wife is an English student) and he felt so awful for not being able to do an epidural, but we were able to talk with him afterwards and let him know that we were completely fine about how things turned out and did not want him to feel bad because we know he tried so hard.

I remember waking up, but not being able to talk or even really open my eyes...everyone said surgery was finished and everything was fine. The tube in my mouth was really bothering me and I think I woke up before they really noticed and took the tube out. They asked plenty of questions that I could barely respond to which was frustrating...I felt like I was pretty aware of what was going on around me, but didn't have to ability to communicate because I was so groggy! Thankfully I was at least able to nod and shake my head. I remember getting wheeled out and knowing Bobby was with me, but not being able to let him know I knew he was there. (When I had my gallstone surgery, I was so out of it I don't remember waking up at all...I woke up back in my room long after everything was all done, but nothing in between!)

 The Doctor and nurses knew how badly I wanted to see my baby and really went out of their way to wheel me into the nurses station and past the nursery so I could see him, but I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to get a good look because he was far away...they recognized that and got me closer (apparently moved some desks around just for me!) and I was able to look at him! And right when I got wheeled up beside the window he turned his head with his eyes wide open and looked right at me, as if to let me know everything was ok. It was one of the most precious moments of my while life and it was the moment I needed to get me through the next 24 hours of not being able to see him. It was definitely a gift from God that I will never forget! I will always be so grateful for how the staff went out of their way to accommodate the one wish that I had not wanted to compromise on.

The rest of the day was pretty much a blur...I tried to sleep as much as I could and wasn't in too much pain. This time felt so different because all the nurses and the doctor kept telling me to let them know whenever I was in pain because there was medicine! I think when I had Joshua, I was basically in constant pain, and didn't really have much sympathy (which is actually kind of a long story behind that one, but I won't go into it) 

One funny thing I almost forgot was that they were playing 'music box' music in the OR and right before they put the mask on me to go to sleep, I heard Brahm's Lullaby (I think that's the name) where it says 'lullaby, and good night...' I just thought that was so funny and don't want to forget that!

We are pretty much in shock of how different this recovery experience has been from Joshua's birth. There's multiple different factors, but one of the biggest I think was knowing what to expect this time (somewhat anyway!) I knew that if I could just make it through that first 24 hours, I'd get to see my baby and everything would be ok! My sister who works on a mother/baby ward told me there's a night and day difference between moms who have scheduled c-sections and moms who have emergency c-sections...and I can totally see why, having been on both sides now! My recovery has been a lot faster and easier this time even though I was expecting it to be a lot worse. I am kind of in shock at how little pain I've been in...mostly just discomforts. I was able to walk around on the second day and after just two or three days, I wasn't on any pain meds! (Not to say I was pain free, but it was very tolerable, low pain, lessening every day)

Nursing is going ok...it's hard to remember this is a whole new thing for Noah and I need to be more patient. In a lot of ways I feel like a first time mom again, having forgotten how to do a lot of things and lacking confidence in my abilities to provide good care for my baby. His biggest issue has been waking up to eat...he is a sleepy baby!! I never thought I would mind that, but boy it makes feeding him complicated. He doesn't eat enough from me because he almost instantly falls asleep, so he got supplementary formula while he was in the hospital, but now he's exclusively nursing. Still not 100% perfect (I say that because it still hurts when I know it's not supposed to), but it works.

My parents left yesterday after having had them here for 3 weeks :( Just our first day by ourselves and I'm already wondering how we're going to ever be able to make it through a day without a meltdown (mostly mine!) J did great with our co-workers who looked after him for us while I was in the hospital and with my parents over the last few weeks, but today I can tell he's feeling the same gap we do! He's been pretty whiny and really working hard to get our attention which is hard when both of us have things we need to get done and when there's a screaming baby to deal with as well. I know God will help us through this 'season' but I sure do wonder how we're going to make it! Functioning in very little and very broken sleep is not my forte and I hate how it affects my attitude and my patience.

Anyway, enough worrying and complaining...this is hard, and I'm allowed to feel that way, but I know I'm not the first person to have 2 kids!

Life is busy and exhausting, but we are blessed and I will just have to keep reminding myself this won't last forever and I only need to take things one day at a time!

Baby "Zip!" Update...

Well, I have officially managed to go without writing a single blog update through this pregnancy!! (Poor second baby!) ;) Thankfully I have written a few notes in his medical book and been pretty good about taking bump pictures (more than I will post) so all is not lost! (And yes, this baby is a boy!)

Shortly after we found out about this baby, we were asking Joshua what we should name his brother and he signed 'banana'! So since then, this baby's been called baby Banana! And, due to recent frequent inquiries about the name we've officially chosen but are keeping a secret, we've taught Joshua to say 'zip!' and move his finger across his lips whenever anyone asks him what the baby's name is! I have to humbly say, it's pretty adorable!

Everything's gone very smoothly (and quickly!) with this pregnancy and it feels like a breeze compared to the various bumps along the way we had with Joshua. I've been blessed with pretty easy pregnancies both times and I'm so very thankful! I have only had minor discomforts/complaints. My limited mobility and difficulty rolling over in bed and limited lung capacity and a few rib kicks he and there is really the worst of it these days...and general third trimester exhaustion. Everything's been as it should be at my checkups...baby's head down (not that it matters time time around as it will be a c-section anyway) and apparently measuring big. (Joshua did too, but he was less than 7 pounds)

I'm a little hesitant to open this can of worms, but I will anyway...Here is Japan, it's standard that once you have a c-section you will always have c-sections afterwards. I have mixed feelings about that, but knowing that I don't really have any other options, I've accepted it. In some ways I think it's harder this time now that I've already had a c-section, and have a pretty good idea what to expect as opposed to last time where I went into it knowing nothing.

Two of the hardest parts for me (besides the physical recovery) is the fact that Bobby is not allowed in the operating room, and after a quick introduction after the baby is delivered, I probably will not see the baby again until the next day. We haven't had the full run-down on this hospital's procedures (it's a different hospital from where I had Joshua) so I don't know all the details yet but we did read that when I want to see the baby the nurses will help me (I guess maybe move my bed to the nursery or something?) but I'm still struggling to accept the way things are done here in those areas. Joshua did fine with going back and forth between bottle and nursing, so we are praying this baby will be the same.

Again, I hesitate to write about these things because I feel like people are going to suggest 'standing up for my rights' or however you want to say it, but we don't really feel that's appropriate in our situation. We have made the choice to have this baby in Japan and even though things are done differently than we might be used to, we want to be a good testimony and it's really not culturally appropriate to demand things be done our way...and besides, babies are delivered and cared for this way every day and have been for years...and turn out fine! It's really an area for me to turn over to the Lord and practice submitting my desires and my will to Him.

Oh, I guess one other 'complaint' I have with this pregnancy is how hormonal I've been feeling!! I don't remember it being like this with Joshua, but the last couple of days in particular, I have had ridiculous mood swings and lots of lows and crying over silly things (although some maybe not so silly...like processing the fact that things are not going to go as I desire them to go while I'm in the hospital, as well as fears about Joshua's adjustment to this new baby). Poor Bobby and Joshua have had to deal with a crazy pregnant woman! I suspect Joshua's been picking up on my feelings and he's been a little 'off' the last week or so.

Anyway, I think that's about it for a pregnancy update. I think I need to do a separate Joshua update another time because I sure do have lots to say about him and tons of pictures! So, stay tuned for that! (Maybe now that I've written that, it will happen this week!)

Oh! Guess I should mention that this baby's birthday is April 5th (at 38 weeks and 3 days)! I get admitted to the hospital on the 4th and will have surgery the next day in the afternoon! (Another example of how things are done differently here!) 

Thanks for sticking with me! :)

Book Review

Long time no post...I know!

My silence is being broken thanks to a wonderful book I had the privilege of reviewing before it was released (in exchange for my honest opinion). I started following a blog (http://onethingalone.com) a few months ago and have really appreciated the author's insights and wisdom, particularly related to being a Christian wife and mother. So when the opportunity presented itself to review her upcoming devotional book (that I would get a PDF copy of for free!), I jumped all over it!

I really liked how it was laid out...designed to be a 4 week (5 days a week) study with very short readings. It was the perfect length for me (short, but still containing substance) in this season of raising a toddler (and growing a baby) and I also really appreciated the response section at the end of each reading that contained further Scriptures and practical applications.

Since I had to read it through rather quickly, I am definitely looking forward to reading through it again, at a slower pace and really interacting with the response part in particular. I know it will be a really encouraging refresher to my quiet times, especially in the busy season I are coming up (more on that hopefully soon!)

Be sure to check out Asheritah's blog and this new devotional ASAP! You can find the paperback or kindle version on Amazon here.